After leaving the hospital, My family and I headed to Mikes house. There was no way I could go home and I honestly thought I would never be able to step into my house again. Mike ran to the store for some food, his Mom came by, and everyone just sat around not sure what to say or what to do. No one could really eat either. There were a few phone calls that I knew I had to make, the hardest would be the phone call to my younger brother Skyler; he lived with us from September to February to watch Olivia for me and she just adored him. I knew he would be heartbroken, and I wasn't ready to say those words. It was so weird, but I didn't want anyone to know... I don't know if it was the questions I would get, or the attention, or because I didn't want people to have to go through the pain.
I called Skyler first, then my Mom, Aunt Charlotte, and sent out some texts to my closest friends and other family. I may have had Mike make some phone calls too, I'm not sure. Posting to Facebook was the hardest, it took me two days to say anything, but people were starting to find out and I knew I needed to say something. The love and support was immediate and overwhelming, SO overwhelming that I just got to reading some of the last emails and comments a few months ago! The words of encouragement and friendship meant so much, even though most were hundreds of miles away. My family left and then it was just Mike and I. I didn't want to sleep because I was afraid that I would see her face and then wake up to find that she was really gone, but I was so exhausted. I remember laying on the couch in Mike's arms and just crying myself to sleep, and I left the TV on all night just in case I woke up... it would distract me from any bad thoughts and I would be able to go back to sleep.
The next morning I woke up and went downstairs. This was usually when I would feed Olivia on the couch, just the two of us, while the rest of the world slept. I couldn't help but wonder where she was. When my Grandparents passed away it was really hard, they had raised me, but I knew they were in Heaven and it was their time to go. Losing a child is not that easy, faith wasn't easy. I needed to know for sure that she was okay and I needed to know where she was. I found myself questioning everything that I had ever known. What I knew for sure was that her body was with the medical examiner and that they would be performing the autopsy today. Would they find something? Would we get answers? Do I want answers? What if it was something I had done? Was it something she ate? Was it her ear infection medicine? I could never live with myself if I knew that I could have prevented it. I played the week over and over in my head looking for symptoms or signs that something was wrong... something I didn't see, but there was nothing.
I needed a distraction so I found the pamphlets I had gotten from the hospital and started searching for funeral homes. Did I want one to be close where I could visit her often but would pass frequently or far away, out of sight out of mind, unless I chose to think about it. I settled on a funeral home on a hill near my home, and made an appointment for the next morning. I knew I would have regretted not having her near me.
That's all I remember about that day. I'm sure that Mike and I lounged around the house, and I remember getting a lot of flowers. I asked my family to meet us at the funeral home, and invited Jamel. I still couldn't stand the thought of going home so I asked my sister to pack some of her things for me to borrow. I called the medical examiner a few times, but had no answer, they kept postponing the autopsy. There was nothing I could do but wait... for answers, for this to be over, and for my heart to stop hurting.